Image Credits: Pixalbay
At times a piece of me always wants to be around you, just to watch you grow. Missing that would be a great loss for me, as all these while I witnessed everything with you, the firsts. It can be termed as something I want to keep it for myself.
I remember the very first touch of your skin in my hands, as I cherish it to be the most memorable one in my life. The moments of redemption that seeps out of me, when you both were born, is exceeding my vision of words. It is a unique feeling, that keeps me motivated all along.
At times when someone asks me, why with all these pain, I endured all along, the difficulties of pregnancy period, that I longed for the next child.
I really don’t know what to answer them, because the joy of watching my kids play together, gives me the answer, which is tough to convey in my words. I see them grow, in every way, like I grew with my sibling. All these years watching them grow up fades away the pain I endured, bringing me a smile that stays forever until I just have the faintest thought about the pain or stress I had gone through all those months.
Resilience with my self
During the first, pregnancy, it was all the eagerness to know how it will be. As I became a mother for the first time, the joy was profound. It was the beginning of a journey, of a new mom to being a good mom to her, slowly learning through her at every stage. It surprises me, at times, as I am ignorant of what a mother should do in several stages .. Yet I just confidently without taking a step back, walk steadily towards nothing but a goal that is changing every year, as she grows up.
With my second pregnancy, it was all about, how the upcoming baby would be with my first one. Yes, this is what worried me the most, other than the basic worrisome thoughts about being healthy etc. It is again a roller-coaster ride across the months to balance, emotionally and physically being with both kids.
Understanding the needs of the elder one, compromising on sleep and much more.
Growing up with them is much more fun and learning too. I guess I never learned this much, as much I am learning from being a mother.
It is again a greater problem, for me as a person to adapt. At times our inner self is so adamant even to give up to a small child. It is common, that you might find me still fighting with my kid just like the worst kid at times. It leads me just to think, that AM I actually a mom? Because I am totally weird when I fight with them, even for the silliest things.
Setting an example pressure
OOPS, The big challenge as I say. I am not someone good to be followed – as I am completely indisciplined, and more like a child who is unwilling in many scenarios. I might actually be the big bad example for kids “NOT to FOLLOW”.
It is hard, not to be oneself at times. I can’t act like a perfect mom, and the be a spoiler alert to my kids, instead am the most vulnerable person they might find. One who breaks down, who fails, who is shy, who is incompetent and much more…
so AM I a bad mother?
I really don’t know, what to answer that, but yet I am just a mother who wants to keep her children happier and well-kept.
Even though I break down at many points, wish to quit, or just run away or hide, a part of me, wants to be discovered by those tiny hands who hold me tight, so as I do not fall apart. They make me feel worthwhile, even when the whole world seems to look at me as if I am doing a bad job at being a mom.
For ME, all about being a mom, make me feel enough worthy to be alive.